Lost wedding bands. Fortune cookie fortunes. Schools. House hunting. Personal destinies. Faith. Contentment. These were what occupied my mind all yesterday morning.
Summer’s over and our eldest is starting his last year of elementary school. This year will be a big one for Son, and for DH and me too. It marks the end of a significant stage of Son’s life, and of ours.
While we’ve loved our home of ten years (the first of our own and the only one our three kids have ever known), the neighborhood, the kids’ elementary school, the weather, and the friends we’ve made and life we’ve built here, it’s time to move on. With three kids, our townhouse is bursting at the seams. Plus, our local public middle and high schools aren’t good, private schools aren’t on the table, and we can’t rely on the upcoming scramble for a chance to get into reputable magnet, charter or gifted schools.
So. We’re on the hunt for a bigger house, good schools, and a commute that’s doable for DH. Since our next home will be long-term (we’re not big movers), I’m hoping our next home will be bright and spacious, with an open layout and good location, big kitchen and closets, a good-sized yard, and nearby familiar ties (family, friends, anyone I know and preferably, like) and solid churches. Is that so much to ask? Don’t answer that.
I looked at many houses this past week. After months of research, DH honed in on a suburban city with good schools and affordable homes that’s a stretch for him commute-wise, but doable, and fairly close to some family and friends. Neither of us had visited or knew anything about this city so I met with a well-recommended, savvy realtor for three days to check out the area and available listings.
Man. House hunting is hard. Exciting and depressing all at once. No house within our budget and criteria is perfect. There were a few with “potential” but mostly, I just wasn’t thrilled about the idea of moving across town and county to this inland city. I’m ashamed to admit it, but part of the reason is it’s a small, no-name city sort of in the middle of nowhere. It’s seen as “the least nice” in the area, a city that serves many as a stepping stone before “moving up” to the “nicer” suburbs in neighboring cities. (Gotta keep up with the Joneses, right?) But for us, it would not be a stepping stone. Our next home will be it until the kids are grown and off to college. Again, we aren’t big movers and DH, ever wise and practical, couldn’t care less whether we live in a “nice” or prestigious neighborhood so long as the house meets our space needs, has good neighborhood schools, falls within our budget, and is within a 45-minute driving distance to his work.
The thing is. I know DH is right. If we’re wise and practical, this may be a good move. But if we’re talking human nature, or my human nature, this is where the internal conflict, the big “put your money (or your actions) where your mouth is” comes in.
You see, I’ve been asking a lot of God this summer. Of the Father, “Make me a daughter after Your own heart. Let me know and want what You want, God, and give me the courage and trust to obey.” Of the Son, “Let me see Your face. Jesus, let me be focused on You so I don’t keep getting distracted by the things and lures of this world.” And of the Holy Spirit, “Fill me. Let me live in the Spirit, walk in the Spirit, pray in the Spirit. Empower and embolden me to glorify God.”
Yet, as DH and I drove home Saturday night after viewing homes, I felt sad and discontent and before I could stop myself, hot tears silently welled up in my eyes. I thought of the Korean word “pahl-jah.” The closest English translation may be “personal destiny.” I started doing what human nature is so prone to do. I started comparing pahl-jah’s in my head, comparing myself with my neighbors, those darn Joneses again — what they have and I don’t, and wondering why. Why can’t we live in whatever city we want? Why can’t we have a big house in X neighborhood? Why can’t we afford this or that? Meanwhile, the truth that I hypocritically tell my kids is, “There’ll always be someone who has more than you and there’ll always be someone with less. There’ll always be someone who’s smarter, stronger, better-looking, more skilled, more this or that, than you and there’ll always be someone who’s less. There’s no point in comparing or complaining and there’s always something to be grateful for.”
Comparison is the death of joy.” – Mark Twain
If my prayers are earnest, why do I still struggle with what ultimately amounts to stubborn pride and materialism? I was disappointed in myself for still hanging onto a dream that is not of God but of this world. I was sad that I was sad about moving to a “lesser” or “stepping stone” city, when everything that truly matters is well and good and intact in my life. Why can’t I be a better person? more meek, more faithful, more content?
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3, NIV).
As we drove home and I confessed to DH the conflict and shame in my heart, he shared, in stark contrast, how rich he felt. That living through the trials, fears and insecurities stemming from his father’s premature death, he’d never imagined someday being able to afford and live where we live now and be looking at the kinds of houses we’re looking at now. I choked down a huge slice of humble pie.
The next morning, our pastor preached a sermon entitled “Christ My Merit.” In every culture, industry or arena, even the church sometimes, we focus on what people have achieved. Under the world’s standards, some of us might be considered “high achievers.” Some are highly educated, successful, wealthy or come from distinguished families. Some “do” a lot for others, for the community, for the school, for the church… But God is relational. He is not task-oriented and the love He freely gives us is not merit-based. We can not “earn” a single thing from Him. His love is a gift and His Son, the price already paid. God loves us far more than we could ever deserve and far more than we could ever give back. So the only word on a “resume” that would impress God at all is Jesus. He’s the One who paid our one-way ticket to Heaven; we just have to take hold of it.
And why did I mention lost wedding bands and fortune cookie fortunes earlier?
Tired and hungry after house hunting on Saturday, we stopped at Panda Express for a quick bite on our long drive home. To fuel my greed, this was my fortune:
Maybe this silly little strip of paper is what precipitated my pity party on the drive home and all those unhelpful thoughts about pahl-jah’s. But Sunday morning, before church and that timely sermon, I found the kids’ fortunes in the laundry and was encouraged.
Late that same Saturday night, I realized my wedding bands were gone, lost at some point during that busy week of house hunting. I fretted over them the rest of the weekend, texting and calling my parents, realtor, friends and various lost-and-found desks.
But then I realized something needed my attention even more. While the wedding bands are precious to me, they are also only sentimental adornments, mere symbols. Symbols of our love, our marriage, our commitment to one another. Just like a house. A house is merely an outward symbol of the home we make within it.
I don’t need to focus on pretty, presentable, perfect symbols. I need to focus on the underlying substance, the contents, the reality – our marriage, sticking together, being supportive and understanding – and being a loving, godly family in the home we build together. So forget the Joneses, forget stepping stones, forget wedding bands, and forget fortune cookies. God has a plan, and it’s gonna be GOOD. It always is.
jen says
“One source of man’s weariness is the pursuit of things that can never satisfy…when we try to get life out of dead things, the result is only weariness and dissatisfaction” -max lucado
I never comment but stumbled upon this via Angela! (hey Angela!) and felt compelled to post because this touched on so many layers of my past struggles.
6 years ago we purchased our first home. It became my baby and spent the next 6 months pouring our energy and depleting funds to furnish after the previous 6 months of watching it built already. I convinced myself this will be our happy magical Kingdom and will redeem any internalized pain I never purged growing up.
Then something bizarre happened. I woke up one day and began to resent the same chunk of muscle of the place. Then began to tell God I hate this place, what a waste of my time for having to invest so much of me into it and not have any reward…authentic reward of happiness.
It was during this time I truly began to see clearly what I had done to myself. I convinced myself owning this place will somehow give me the kind of contentment I felt needed to heal the kind of shame I felt watching my parents struggle at times when I was young. So God gave it to me, he said “oh you think you NEED this to be happy? Ok I’m going to bless you with it, suit yourself”
And when I realized this truth there was so much grief I felt for the kind of shallow person I’ve become. That I still didn’t feel any different! That I was perfectly happy even when we were living in a dump but the love of God and husband were more than bountiful regardless of what I HAD!
After this I began to repent and surrendering more of my vulnerable self to Him, that yes He was right, I don’t need any of it to be a whole but just God my father to complete me.
And since then I’ve appreciated our home on such a different level, while I struggle with personal space we’ve blessed and been blessed by opening it up to our parents when they visit. We love our town and entertain there often. How blessed we are!
It’s funny how quick we are to forget our humble beginnings you know? Just this weekend the husband took me to show me all his bachelor pads when he lived in San Diego. We shared stories and reminisced on our silly and immature/desperate ways trying to make it. And now we have this great and privileged lifestyle which is FAR from our beginnings and need to never forget God’s unlimited provisions for us.
We still talk about our dump of a tiny 1 bedroom apt when we first got married, how it was one of the best times we’ve had! More we surrender, more freeing it is.
Thanks for letting me share and sorry it became so long!
Anita says
Wow, thanks for sharing, Jen, especially if you “never comment” (lol)! Your comment reminds me even more how good our God is – how He teaches and corrects us, with such wisdom and love, WHATEVER His answer to any given prayer request of ours may be. After all, let us not be fooled – He always answers. Whether that answer is “yes” or “no” in any given situation, He always answers us. Because He loves us. I’m thankful that He made you realize, even after giving you your heart’s desire (at least your desire at that time in your life), that it “wasn’t all that.” I’m thankful that He made me realize, while my heart’s desire (when it comes to our next home) may be out of our reach, that it’s not the house or neighborhood that’s going to fulfill me but the life we live, and the walk we walk, inside (and outside) that home. As you said, let’s surrender more, and be freed more for it! xoxo
I think you hit home with many women and mothers with this post because this is something we ALL struggle with. I went through exactly what you went through last year and I can totally relate. When it came to buying our first real family home- we were in our temporary one left by my parents because of their sudden move to Seattle- it was a struggle to find one that fits our lifestyle and budget perfectly. We live in Eastvale- far inland which is not considered desirable or a “nice area” but there are many pro’s to living here. One is, big spacious homes– much bigger than what we can afford closer to LA, huge closet space, big master bedroom/bathroom, a huge backyard where my children can run around and play and we’re even getting a pool to cool down those insanely hot summer days. We call it our own piece of Palm Springs haven. lol. I’m not sure where you’re moving to, but I can assure you that new area will come with tons of pros. I grew up in Diamond Bar where kids are more privileged and parents are more superficial so I know what that comes with too. Parents in expensive cars, clad in designer purses, kids always pinned against one another to take that next step up to wealth and success..I have some of these things myself because it’s a way my husband overcompensates for what I lack but I know that while these things are ‘nice” that’s all they are–nice things that add to temporary pleasure, nothing i can’t live without. Love of each other and the Lord are really all we need to create a happy home and happy family life. I’m sure of it. To make long story short 1) count the blessings you’ll have in your new home 2) creating a truly happy lifestyle begins outside of materialistic norms and 3) I have this gut feeling that your move will be a blessed one! P.S. I lost my wedding ring (not band, but ring) a few years ago. It was stolen out of my jewelry box inside my closet and I suspect our long time beloved nanny did it. I asked her, she denied, I filed a police report but nothing can be done. It was an expensive learning lesson but one that allowed me to let go of materialistic possessions even more. Why is it that i’m always writing an essay underneath your posts? We must be soul sisters. 🙂 hang in there, let’s communicate more. xoxo
I forgot to add that once you step out of that “nice area” mentality, you gain a new perspective, one that stems from more space, more financial freedom and more flexibility. After living inland for years now I feel bad when I see growing families living in small spaces in an overpriced area because I know all that they are limited to in a tight space. Does that make sense? It’s really just a shift in perspective. Hopefully one day we will own that huge multimillion dollar home in a beautiful area with prestigious schools. But until then, I guess we need to put in more work and sacrifice. It ain’t over yet sister! And even if that doesn’t happen because of pal jah- who cares! Some people only have money, wealth and success..we have that much more and STILL have chance to aim for that goal. But first God….. 😀
Thanks for the pep talk, Angela. Actually, I’m becoming more and more convinced that God doesn’t allow me to have things I want whenever He knows in His infinite wisdom that they could then compete with His place in my heart. It would be lovely having some multi-million dollar mansion and lots of other things I’d enjoy in this world, but they would could very well distract me from Him and kingdom values. So I am learning to let go of things that have the danger of becoming “idols” in my heart, and keeping the right goal, the only one with eternal benefits, in mind. It’s all about perspective, and I really want Him to let me see things through His loving and holy eyes.
Love this! Miss you, Anita! And best wishes to you ?
I can’t say that I am much of a bible reader or even a church goer for that matter. But you have a way of sharing the word of God that is so very relatable and applicable. Keep the blogs coming!
That is really touching to hear, Elisha. Thanks, babe. We still need a meet-up! Soon! xoxo
Wow, I felt like you somehow went into my head and wrote your post. Your post is so real and honest!
Our family is currently facing the same situation, 5th grade, questionable middle school and unimpressive high school, cramped apartment in a very desirable (expensive) area and desperately looking for a reasonable neighborhood to move to.
It feels impossible…. What I want is out of our budget but the ones that are do not excite me. And did I have my own pity party? Most definitely! Unlike you, I often find myself feeling sad that my Pal-ja is not as great as some of the people I know.
I need to remind myself that I have everything that I really need in my family.
Thank you for your brutally honest post Anita!
You have encouraged me to snap out of my unhealthy attitude. (I haven’t quite snapped out of it completely yet 😉 but I’ll get there.)
Good luck house hunting. I hope you find the perfect house!
Thanks for sharing, Sara! I am sure it’s hard for many of us moms, especially those in our undeniably materialistic Asian culture, not to get caught up thinking about pal-ja’s sometimes. But yes, we have all that we need…and much more I’m sure, already. So be encouraged, and be content, my friend. It’s my aim too! 😉 xoxo
Wow! So much good food for thought I’m gonna need some tums!!! Completely understand where you’re coming from, as my DH is how you described yourself. It can make marriage tough. Despite being thankful for someone who is driven and sees to it he has always been well employed, I struggle to make him understand that life is not a mission to acquire things and I’ve not a competitive bone in my body.(apparently opposites do attract?). We both grew up on the lower end of the material totem pole so I am quite thankful for my middle middle class home! We also looked at all those factors you mentioned, wanting to give our children the very best opportunities we could for education etc., as well as a nice home they could be proud to live in. I like to say we live in the land of milk & honey, full of over privileged children!! But honestly it is what happens inside of the home that leaves the indelible mark on them and creates the legacy. If I am going to tell them the apostle Paul says to be content in whatever state you’re in… Can I practice it?? I am on a mission to live what I preach and pass along the legacy my dear father left for me. And by the way, less is almost always more!!?
Thanks, Jewel. It’s awesome that you have such a great perspective and it’s true that we already live in a bountiful land of milk and honey, and ironically, that often lends itself to more and more greed and dissatisfaction rather than gratitude and contentment. I never thought of the word “competitive” when it came to describing my discontent about the housing situation – I was thinking more just personal “pride” or greed – but if I’m honest with myself…and you, I guess that’s sadly right. I don’t want to be that though. So thanks for your frankness. And prayer support is always appreciated too. 😉
This reading got me in tears… Seriously inspiring in every way possible. Thank you, Anita for sharing this! I hope the house hunting goes well and that you and family will find the perfect one!
Thank you, Cynthia. I am sure wherever God leads us and whatever He provides will be the best thing for our family. Faith and hope, hope and faith. 😉
Dear Anita
Thank you so much for your words ! Your brutal honesty and courage to rise above the ego in all of us is inspiring! Keep your chin up and I know God will bless you with a beautiful home! After all home is where your heart is !
God bless you! Loren from Toronto
YASSS! Thank you, Loren. Indeed, home is where our heart is. And where our heart is, there also is our treasure. Gotta keep it where it’s safe for eternity. 🙂 xoxo