I thought I was done getting knocked up. But early one morning a few weeks ago, a friend called me in desperation. Her nanny had just called in sick, she and her husband had crucial, all-day work meetings, and she had no one to watch her one-year-old. I was relatively free that day, and Baby Grizz is just the sweetest, cutest little boy, so I was happy to help her out. I had a great day with Grizz, kicking around soccer balls in the park, reading baby books, feeding him on my lap, rocking him to sleep, and cuddling on the sofa…and after an awesome day of caring for him, I kinda missed having a baby around! I was almost tempted, for a nanosecond, to ask Husband whether we should have a fourth.
But then, my (erratic) good sense kicked in and demanded that I go look at this list, my list, of one cranky @ss curmudgeon’s pregnancy peeves (chronicled during my last pregnancy):
“Pregnancy Peeve #10: When people camp out in one-person-at-a-time public restrooms at certain well-known, highly trafficked coffeehouses. (And for those judgy types asking what I was doing drinking coffee while pregnant – it was decaf, ok? Decaf.) So, rule of thumb: If you’re gonna take more than 3 minutes, take it home. (And if it’s your potty-training toddler in there singing the ABC’s and every other mind-numbing nursery rhyme he/she can think of while sitting on the can, I don’t care today. It’s way more embarrassing for a grown-bleep woman to pee her pants in public than for your little one to “have an accident.”) So let’s please get in, do our thing, and get out, shall we?
Pregnancy Peeve #9: Having dishes to wash all day long while encumbered by a huge, obstructive globe of a belly. If you’ve been pregnant, you know the drill – hunch over awkwardly with your quivering arms fully outstretched to scrub the dishes in the sink. By the way, this is an excellent way to exacerbate vexatious pregnancy back pain.
Pregnancy Peeve #8: When your very not pregnant husband has the chutzpah to complain about his “pregnancy sympathy symptoms” (e.g., acid reflux, weight gain, bad sleep, back pain, etc.). Seriously?! Nothing compares to the real thing, man. And this is not the time to start “feeling what I’m feeling” or thinking that you do. (I mean, I love you, honey. I really do. And this baby’s gonna be awesome, and our family will soon be complete – yay – but I’m gonna punch you in the face the next time you say (with excitement), “ME TOO!” when I complain that I have heartburn or sciatic pain or just threw up in my mouth or can’t sleep or whatever.) Just feel sorry for me for once!!
Pregnancy Peeve #7 (again related to incessant urination): The argument I have in my head every night while half-asleep – “Should I just bleepin’ get up and go pee for the 4th time tonight or try to ignore this nagging bursting bladder for another hour or so? Yeah, I think I can wait. Oh maaannnnn. Bleep. I’m getting up …again” (muffled grumbling).
Pregnancy Peeve #6: Uhhh…I forget what #6 is because I forgot what I was gonna say…again. Wait, did you see where I put my keys…and my cell? Oh shoot! Did I turn the curling iron off before I left the house? And the stove? Oh no, so sorry, I was supposed to call you back, right? About that thing! Wait, what was the thing again? (You get the picture.)
Pregnancy Peeve #5: Being limited to two equally disagreeable sleep positions – either (1) sitting propped up so I don’t have acid reflux all night, or (2) laying on my left side (because laying flat on my back means I can’t breathe, and laying on my right side means baby’s somethin’ is painfully jammed up against my ribs). By the way, whoever said Eve’s (and womankind’s) punishment was simply pain in childbirth must not have been familiar with the concept of “FULL DISCLOSURE.” Where’s my attorney? Oh wait – I’M an attorney. Or I was. Wasn’t I? I forget.
Pregnancy Peeve #4: Having so many peeves and annoyances. I swear — I’m usually a pretty optimistic, cheerful person who tries to keep my bleeping at a minimum, but I’m so easily irritated these days! (Sorry, God.) Friends and family, my sincere apologies in advance if I’m intolerable for these last couple months. If Mama Hyde isn’t gone and Dr. Jeckyll fails to return even after baby arrives and starts sleeping through the night, you’re welcome to de-friend me on Facebook, delete me from your contact list, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. and pretend you don’t see me when I excitedly waive at you from across the street.
Pregnancy Peeve #3: The conflicting feeling during this final stretch that I’m aaaaaaalmost there and yet sooooooooo far away. Which is it?? Is this baby coming or what?
Pregnancy Peeve #2: The inevitable onset, regardless of fatigue, backache and insomnia, of frenzied nesting in the last couple weeks. (I had completely forgotten how much baby gear we have in storage and all the dusting, wiping, washing, laundering, sorting, organizing, replacing and baby-proofing that needs to be done.) And dear Husband, you’d best help with these busy preparations and domestic chores. For while “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” I’m guessing that “A woman scorned hath no fury like a tired, cranky and stressed pregnant woman.”
Post-Pregnancy Peeve #1: My acute awareness, at the very moment my perfect, healthy and innocent baby was born, of what a jerk I was for whining all those months leading up to the mind-blowing miracle of new life.
So soon-to-be-first-time-moms, ignore everything I said above. Pregnancy is SO fun – yayyyy.
Well, not really. But, maybe you’ll be one of the lucky/annoying ones who’ll “love being pregnant!”
Regardless of how you feel during or about your pregnancy, I’ll bet that the incomparably precious fruit of your labor will awe you and melt away any residual crankiness. It sure did for me.
Before I leave you, check out the photo taken just seconds before I was wheeled into the delivery room to deliver our third child. Don’t we look happy?? Er, I mean sad. Sooo sad.
P.S. Roger Hargreaves, I think you just met your newest character – Little Miss Cranky Preggers.
P.P.S. For my anxious mamas-to-be, watch this video by my good friend Sara (aka Momma Sohn) offering 3 great tips for an easier labor and delivery.
P.P.P.S. Anyone out there feelin’ me? Or was I the crankiest of them all?