For the benefit of you single ladies out there, I’m sharing some lessons learned from another of my umpteen “most” mortifying moments today. This particular trip down nightmare lane takes us back about fifteen years, but I remember it like it was yesterday because yup, it was just that awesome.
Back in the day, students attending So Cal’s universities weren’t utterly and ridiculously spoiled with fancy restaurant options all over campus. (Not that I’m bitter. I’m not!!) So during my undergrad years at U.C.L.A., Taco Bell was the on-campus eaterie of choice. And during my law school years at U.S.C., Carl’s Jr. was the best option on campus.
It was my first year at ‘SC and I’d recently started dating a fellow law student. We were still in the just-getting-to-know-each-other-so-let’s-make-a-good-impression phase when one day, we grabbed lunch at Carl’s Jr. and sat on the patio outside. There we were enjoying our burgers under the beautiful open sky and Ex-Boyfriend, or then-New-Boyfriend, was cracking me up with a joke. I, being the delicate ladylike girl that I was (or was trying to be), daintily used my napkin to cover my mouth while giggling (“teeheehee”) at his story. But totally unbeknownst to me, that napkin was smeared with ketchup and mustard from my burger. So I pull the napkin away from my face when New Boyfriend blurts, “Oh! Uh…you have some ketchup and mustard all up in your nose.” (Dang it! Why couldn’t I have pulled off something akin to those Carl’s Jr. commercials? You know – where some voluptuous chick bites into a burger and the juices drip sexily (is that even a word??) down her lips and chin?) Anyways, horrified, I quickly wipe my nose with the back of my wrist when New Boyfriend gasps, “Oh! A huge booger just fell out of your nose.” Stunned and speechless, I silently die of shame. But no sooner had New Boyfriend so graciously pointed out my projectile booger when he yells, “Ohmygod! And a bird just shit on your arm!!” I look down at my bare arm and sure enough, there, staring back at me, is a foul, stinky, gooey white mess! And ALL of this took place in a span of sixty seconds tops. There was nothing to do but laugh. And boy, did the two of us howl hysterically, nonstop for ten minutes straight.
Finally, we wrapped up our farcical lunch and returned to the library. There, we met friends and tried to retell the preposterous story but were again laughing so hard that we couldn’t get the words out. Our friends laughed along but only because we looked like hysterical, convulsing idiots, not because they could understand a word we said. And this time I didn’t giggle daintily. I guffawed. I snorted. No point in being ladylike now, right?
Short story long, New Boyfriend and I ended up dating for a couple years. As Victor Borge once pointed out, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.” So the big takeaway here, ladies, is that to capture the heart of a guy you’re interested in, don’t be cute, coy or ladylike. All you need to do is:
- Smear some condiments all up, in and around your nostrils. (Super sexy. Think Carl’s Jr.)
- Own your nasal excretions. I mean, really lay it out there. (Vulnerability is key.)
- Learn to laugh when life (or a bird) craps on you. (Never take yourself too seriously. Confidence and the ability to laugh at yourself and your goofs is more attractive than you may realize.)
Bonus Tip: If you really want to seal the deal, just let one rip in front of him. Aye, there’s the clincher (no pun intended). Nothing like a little gas to invite intimacy into the relationship early on. Kidding. Don’t do that. Seriously. Not ’til you’re married anyways.
Finally, let me know how it goes! Can’t wait to hear all your success stories. And no need to thank me. You’re welcome. I was born to share my ingenious, fail-proof dating tips.